Updated my journal

We found “Why biolights? A persuasive essay” in remarkably legible condition, preserved within the thick folds of a collapsed nylon backpack. This latter item appears to have been the property of the essay’s author. The data suggest that this individual was a student, age eleven, plus or minus one year, at time of writing, which itself (based on the date helpfully provided in the top right corner of the essay’s first page) was just under ten years before the rebellion.

The essay is provided below in its entirety. The handwritten comments which accompanied the original text, and which we presume were made by an instructor, are reproduced in parenthesis when possible, though unlike the clear text of the essay itself, some of these annotations have faded with time.

“Why biolights? A persuasive essay”

This is my five paragraph persuasive essay on biolights (try a stronger opening – engage the reader!). Biolights are controversial in the minds of some. Not others (fragment). I personally think biolights are useful and even though they have their drawbacks, they have three important advantages compared to traditional sources of light (good closer! – states the thesis well).

First, biolights are entertaining. Especially when they go out, they’re funny to hear. People say they scream, which would be unpleasant if it were true, but I have heard the scream and it’s more of a gurgle. Quiet and mushy (fragment). It goes away if you give it a few minutes, or a kick! (what gives you the right to – Ed. note: this incomplete thought was struck through, seemingly by the same hand with which it was written). Haha (informal).

Second, biolights are diverse. They are available in many shapes and sizes. Whatever they can grow, can be made. It’s in the DNA (vague). A biolight can be any color, any shape, any size. It can even move if you want, like to different parts of your house at different times. You can even teach it to do tricks.

Third and last (redundant), biolights are cheap, due to their biological nature. Their light and heat comes from inside, so they don’t need the power company! You can live “off the grid,” which is how I like to put it. A biolight incubator for your home costs less than your energy bill for only one month, and then you never have to pay an energy bill again.

To wrap up, biolights are entertaining, diverse, and cheap. They are much more exquisite (word choice) for any and all of your lighting needs. All of the houses on my street have switched over and my school is switching over next month which I’m actually the most excited about because it will be so cool to see (run on).

(A solid draft but keeping working at it! Remember classroom discussion about rhetoric. Just a note, some might say – Ed. note: this incomplete sentence struck through. Consider that biolights – Ed. note: this struck through also. Remember, biolights are – Ed. note: struck through. Biolights are certainly controversial!)